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Sunday, December 3rd, 2000
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1:02 am - /S/H/I/T/
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oh, get this, rolf has been using this online diary too. that is totally weird. he just posted something at that entry i wrote a long time ago about my sexual fantasies. i would be more embarrassed if not for the fact that i read his diary too, and he's a total mess. Just kidding, rolf. ;-) wow, but i guess you and i have some things to talk about. This is about the weirdest coincidence that's ever happened to me i think, like ~fate!~ cYa;;;
current mood:  amused
current music: DM -- Somebody
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| Monday, November 27th, 2000
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10:38 pm - am i dotcom or not?
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so i went for the dotcom interview at a leading web development place here in NY, I go in and they have like this huge robot in the front of the place, I guess it's a sculpture, so I'm meeting with their head of marketing this bald kid with what looks like armani wire frame glasses, and I tell him I really like the robot, and he says thanks in this sort of I am so clever you can't believe it, kind of way, and says 'yes, everyone says that,' and he actually chuckles, i haven't heard someone chuckle since I was a kid. But anyway, so then he starts speaking to me in this language that I could only call e-bonics, as in internet speak, it is totally confusing like reverse marketing guerilla top down vertical strategy first to market streaming solution... and actually Rolf told me this was something I would come up against and told me to just nod my head and smile, so that's what I did. I thought marketing was about finding out what people want and giving it to them, not reinventing the english language, but whatever. He seemed pleased with my demeanor, but they want to start me at the front desk for a couple of weeks, I guess to make sure I have what it takes to do Marketing, but they said not to worry that would only be for a couple of weeks. The pay is actually the same as what I am making at Fredrick's store, and the hours are totally not flexible, but I wouldn't be on my feet all day, I'd be in front of a computer, so that is probably better. I have a couple days until the decision would be really final, I don't really fit in there so I'm going to need to talk to Shasta about all this. I don't really have the budget for an all new dotcom wardrobe, and I'm not sure I want one either. If Rolf really cares about me he shouldn't mind what I do for work, Shasta also heard about a job as a hostess at Don Hill's in the Meatpacking district, that might be more my thing, plus I'd get to work nights.
current mood:  confused
current music: aphex twins
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| Friday, November 24th, 2000
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3:28 am - bon voyage
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i took rolf out to jfk today it was a cold bitch of a day, i helped him get all his cute little matching luggage checked in, and then we said goodbye at the gates, about eight times, as the flight figured out when it would finally be boarding everybody. we talked about me going to live there in like a year, he has an interview set up for me as a marketing associate at a dotcom in NYC for next week, he thinks I might be good at marketing, whatever. he said he'd come to visit me this year a lot, and he always has business here so I can see him and stuff. he said in a year he'll have a bigger place and we can see, if everything goes well, about me moving out there. i asked him if he would want to come here, and he seemed hesitant, he thinks copenhagen would be easier for me to get used too, versus him get used to NYC, and anyway he was an important job over there he doesn't want to give up. So we made our connection at the end, with plans to see eachother and I feel all in all just okay about it. It's funny just a few days ago I was finally feeling in this settled place with someone, finally, and then they have to leave. This is the most mature relationship I've had so far so I suppose that is good, but it doesn't say much for my past.
Walking through Tomkins Square park checking out all the punks and homeless and stuff hanging around doesn't give me that new york verve it used to give me, all that chaos and punk rock feeling, it just makes me feel old and sad, same old shit. I wonder whether I could really be the kind of person to travel to europe or get a steady job, I'm like 50% there, but that makes me feel even more like I'm in a no man's land. Can't change your life for a man. That's what my mom always told me, can't forget that lesson either. I think as well as trying to work this thing with Rolf I should also think about what I really want out of my life.
current mood:  okay
current music: sisters of mercy -- ribbons
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| Wednesday, November 22nd, 2000
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3:24 am - precious moments
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aw yeah, so the reason i am not baring all the details in the rest of this affair is that it's too precious, and right now I'll only be naked with rolf, rrreoow. shasta is not pregnant, it turns out her doctor thinks she hasn't been eating enough which is why she hasn't gotten her period, so she is basicly starving herself instead. lovely.
i am awake because i have the worst bout of insomnia, i guess its because my schedule is getting turned around with staying up with da man. he has one of his final seminars to give tomorrow so he's at jan's. it's funny i feel alone by myself, haven't felt that way in soooo long.
current mood: awake
current music: skinny puppy
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| Monday, November 20th, 2000
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3:19 am - few more days
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sorry i haven't written, yeah so sorry!! he he not like anyone reads this stupid thing, rolf is only here for a few more days so i want to get the most of it.
current mood:  calm
current music: soft cell -tainted love
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| Saturday, November 18th, 2000
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3:17 am - pregnancy death marriage and other life events
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Shasta is worried she is pregnant, this is like the fourth time this year she's had this problem. I really hate it when my friends deal with this issue, I never know what the hell I'm supposed to say. In fact if I were to be totally honest I don't think I'm good at dealing with any real human life crisis event, I always tend to feel like everything is happening like outside, like its all a show or a movie, so when people tell me something like really hardcore real my frist instinct is to make a joke out of it, which doesn't go over that well when its something really major for them.
current mood: contemplative
current music: this mortal coil
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| Thursday, November 16th, 2000
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5:35 pm - consumer
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rolf was a happy consumer today at the store and handled fredrik well, he bought some things that aren't so bad that we're going to probably try out later.
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9:30 am - fantasy island
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rolf wasn't happy about finding out where i worked from fredrick but he wasn't all that suprised, in fact he wondered about my job and had suspicions it was sort of shady. he thought i was a drug dealer he said, and was fuck glad i wasn't. but then he started asking me about the products, whether i know how to use them really, what the best kinds are, and how i got into the job in the first place. so i ended up having to tell him the whole story of how when i moved up here i couldn't find work, so i stripped because i was a dancer, then i stopped doing that and worked as a dom for a bit and thats were i met shasta and she helped me get the job with fredrick, where i've been percolating for a few years... he seemed intrigued by it all, but sort of distant, we went back to my place and he started to get more feisty with me because of the news, but i told him that i wasn't like that really, it was just a job, and he seemed to know what i was talking about. he told me how he used ot go to strip clubs with his uncle when he was like 15, the usual sharing of tawdry experiences, that happens when i out my dirty little secrets. i think it was okay. he said though that he would help me find a new job if i needed one, but he also said he wanted to come by and see where i work now too, he's supposed to come by today.
current mood:  distressed
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| Wednesday, November 15th, 2000
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4:26 pm - european union
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well it turns out i didnt have to tell rolf, the boss, fredrick, although he answers the phone only with the name of our shop, which actually does not give away that its a nasty sex shop and sounds more like some old ladies tea room, had to get into a conversation with rolf today about the european union, after they finished finessing hte shit out of that subject, fredrick starts in on what a good girlfriend i must make, being that i am so experienced with the tools of the trade. not funny at all. right now i have to go meet rolf to do damage control. well if he can't take it he isn't worth it. ciao.
BTW anyone have any advice on how to deal with a situation like this I would appreciate it, I don't expect ya'll to have first hand experience but some advice would be helpful.
current mood: anxious
current music: my heart palpitating like a mutha
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| Tuesday, November 14th, 2000
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1:23 am - prolonged
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things have been going pretty rad lately, i have been so busy hanging out with rolf, he has extended his trip so he will be here five more days. i still havent told him about my job, but i think it will come up soon now that he is staying for even longer. wish me luck.
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| Saturday, November 11th, 2000
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7:42 pm - pesto chicken salad
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rolf came over later last night, i was too tired to go out you know, so he came by with some pesto chicken salad, my favorite. i think i must have told him that. we made love soft and slow to some classical he had brought over, it was quite romantic i guess. rolf doesn't like american television because he thinks it is pretty stupid, i have to agree, although that is actually why I like it, but anyway, so then we went to the roof, it is pretty cold up there, but the open air felt good after lieing around the apartment for five hours. rolf told me about his first serious girfriend in school, how she was this really fun girl, everyone liked her, but she was too much of a party girl and got herself into fights and trouble when they were out, because she was younger he said, then one night she got a ride home with one of his friends because he was too drunk to drive, and they got in an accident. she was hospitalized for eight months after, and rolf at first went to visit her everyday, but then he got tired of it i guess, and just slowly stopped going. it wasn't like she was in a coma or retarded or anything, she just had problems walking and had to be rehabilitated, but he just couldn't go. so i asked him if it was because she was a this slutty party girl? i mean, come on, what could it be? and he said no, it was quite the opposite, in the hospital she was like this different person, and thats what made him uncomfortable to the point he could not go. it seems like he feels really bad about that to the point where he wants to make it up to this girl. i told him i had heard worse stories and hell when people are young their assholes. right?
i think i like this rolf because he's thoughtful and fun. most people are either too much of one or the other it seems. plus he doesn't seem to mind the way i am, very blunt. maybe soon i will tell him about what i really do for my job, i am still unsure though, it has caused me problems in the past with men. i feel like saying, 'look i just sell dildoes, i don't use them.' i guess though that is the same as saying look i just develop strains of ebola to be used as biological warfare but i don't deploy the virus. okay i guess it isn't the same thing at all. fuck, sometimes dating makes me feel too moral, and i have to remember that i really don't like that too.
today i thought about getting another job though, something more stable more than anything, maybe i'll talk to shasta about working at that costume boutique with her.
current mood: awake
current music: the cure -- kiss me kiss me kiss me
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| Friday, November 10th, 2000
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8:08 pm - crying fat hairless old girl men people
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wooh, what a weird day! i wake up and i sware the sky is like orange, must be highly polluted or i'm just still really hung over. whatever. so i am on my way to work, and i see this middle aged sort of middling secretarial type with really bad over-permed hair, and an oversized raincoat with ugly red flats on, crying on the corner of avenue A and 1st. normally my mode of operations is to ignore everything i see on my way to work, not even a nuclear missile lodged in the window of Ollie's Deli would phaze me, but I'm feeling good because Rolf has such a hard body, so I ask this lady what's wrong. it turns out she's deaf and she's also really old, like 75, and she starts mouthing at me something, and all I hear is WAAAAAAAAH, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So I ask her if she can, like, draw it for me, or point at something with her hands, so i'm moving my hands sort of around in circles, at this point this older russian man in this weird 1940's style cap comes out of the deli and grabs her by the arm, yells at me something obnoxious, i presume in russian, and drags her down the street. as they dissappear she's like turning around and looking at me beating her chest with her fist. it was really weird. wonder whether i should call the cops.
my boss, the swiss, is then out today, he has to meet with some of our overseas distributors from china, who he's been having problems getting his Fundies, or whatever, orders in on time. so i'm at the store all by myself, which i absolutely detest because then its like open season on me from every lorenzo, jeff, and rupert who wants to dig their claws in me. so it's like 11 a.m -- much to early for any self-respecting pervert to be out shopping, and this short fat man, with a really soft white face, and fine fuzzy hair/no-hair in a peachy tint comes in, like a little mouse in sneakers. i figure he's a first timer, or some kind of newbie of something, the way he's sort of shifting behind the display cases as if he's trying to hide-n-shop. so i go over and ask him if he needs something, he turns and says no thank you, and i sware by the voice, he is a girl, so i look at him/it a little too long, and he just barks at me in this fast way "I'm a man!" and shuffles over to the whips display table and picks out the longest whip, with the metal studs, the whole nine yards, and thwacks it on the checkout table, as if to prove to me he bad, oh, you bad brother! in any case it was a weird day because of that but also because i felt weird. you know sometimes i think when like i'm feeling sort of out of it, i like send out this message to the universe, hey, she's feeling crazy today, why don't we spice it up a bit, and make her day even weirder. or maybe i'm just sensing some actual weirdness in the universe when i wake up that day, and that makes me feel weird too. wooh, enough of that. i feel like doing something totally veg tonight tho, like watching a talk show, i'm totally beat.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: pixies -- where is my mind
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| Thursday, November 9th, 2000
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4:32 pm - hung, like a witch in salem, over
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pleeeeaaaaaaz help me, make this infernal pain stop. my head is like a sponge with no water in the sahara desert, turning to rock...rolfie where is my gatorade quencher???
current music: damn pigeons!
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| Wednesday, November 8th, 2000
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5:46 am - a lot of FUN
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shasta jan rolf and i went out to this new bar that just opened up called FUN. and it was FUN, suprisingly enough. rolf is a really good dancer which is actually really important to me since i used to study modern and ballet, dancing was my gateway drug, per se, to the world of exoticism and perversion i inhabit now. ;-). i used to do strips when i was like 18 but that stopped, because i didn't want to work that hard for the money. he he. in any case, so rolf is really fabulous and graceful and we were gettin our flow on dancing at the bar, and then we decided to take that train to twilo were shasta got us in with effortless style, and it was like a house invasion, so we were wripping it, then at this point i was getting a little too wasted, so rolf and i sat it out in the corner and watched some promoter try and feed his flyers to a couple of jersey girls. he was some ex-punk looked like the kinds of kids i used to squat with in san antonio, sort of plaid-wearing, semi-mohawked, pierced looking boy. then he turns more toward us, and oh my god it is that guy, and last i heard he had the hiv so i'm like 'danger, danger!'. so i'm thrown off and rolf and i leave. shasta and jan are nowhere to be found when we left, but i'm sure they got home okay. needless to say rolf and i did the nasty and i just had to tell you! aw, precious! he seemed to like the mirror above my bed, was totally checking himself out.
current mood: accomplished
current music: Psychic TV
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| Tuesday, November 7th, 2000
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9:13 pm - getting to know you getting to know all about you...
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rolf was a little tired tonight, a little cranky, i guess his seminar didn't go so hot today or maybe it's that he feels a little homesick, out of sorts in new york. we went to this pub/restaurant for dinner, a place I don't normally like to go, but rolf wanted to go to a place with good beer and this was the only one i could think of, plus its not far from where i live.
rolf started telling me all about his family and stuff, how they never talk about things, and how he thinks the environment is what made his sister a heroin addict. i told him from what i've seen of addicts its pure personal preference, that they like it like that. for the most part. rold sort of looked at me at that point with a pained look in his eyes, so i didn't go into all my other theories of why humans are just bad because they want to be. its personal for him so i guess it bothers him that his sister is a total addict. supposedly their parents still help the two of them out though, i can understand rewarding rolf for being such a smart guy, but to reward his sister Helena seems sort of ridiclous, subsidizing a heroin habit is not a good idea.
anyway, so i found out a bit more about him. he told me he had dated a lot which wasn't a suprise to me, and in a way made me feel more at ease with him, since i as well have yes dated quite a bit myself. he said he had a hard time meeting girls who could captivate his imagination too, im not sure what thats all about, but i think it was a compliment.
afterwards we went to this place barmacy for a drink but it was too loud, they always seem to blast this retro fifties shit in there, and its overrun with NYU students now, so then we walked back to my apt, and i showed him my place. he seemed sort of fascinated by the amount of velvet i have in general, he kept making cracks about the velvet sofa, and the velvet wall hanging, how they were so soft and luscious. whatever. then he was examining my medicine cabinet for a really long time. i think he was just doing it to get me off my guard or something, like a dog putting his scent around. so i dragged him back to my room and we made out for a bit, nothing to exciting, but nice. he has only a week left here so i don't really know where this can go.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: DM -- Music for the Masses
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| Monday, November 6th, 2000
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11:59 pm - nothing day
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it's getting cold here in new york, i am not looking forward to that prolonged, what is it, five month winter, that is the NY winter. By the time Spring rolls around people are practically crying with joy, reaching hands to the sky, screaming "Lordy have mercy!" Pleeeeeeeez.
Today was a no day, no no nothing day. Rolf and I spoke tomight he's going to take me out after his conference tomorrow night. Fabulous.
The Swiss fuck was happy to have me back at work as well, says I look well rested with that 'I am concerned but really could care less' attitude of his. Someone bought 17 different cock rings today, 9 dildos, and 5 tubes of jelly. Either he's opening his own store, or the 70's are making a comeback! When something like that happens I don't ask, and I make sure to have my 'blank' face on that says I could care less. Because well, some of the customers get a tad defensive, at that final point of purchase. Ah, its a beautiful life.
Ciao.
current mood:  silly
current music: TKK
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| Sunday, November 5th, 2000
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8:39 pm - atlantic city
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shasta and i took the danish boys to AC this weekend. at first it wasn't so much fun because jans friend's were sort of like "where the hell are we" about atlantic city, they didn't think it was so cool, we had to like explain to them that tacky is fabulous in AC and to just go with it, you know. one we got a few martinis in them they were good to go, though. i made us some money, and that kicked things up a notch, we were actually able to get a fantastic suite for free!
rolf kept trying to do a playback of halloween night with me but i held off, partially because I do sort of feel the love for him, and don't want to go any further til i know its being reciprocated. as my aunt used to say "why buy the car when you can get the drive for free," exactly Marlene, exactly.
I feel really good about curbing my sexual appetites, i can't believe it was just three months ago when I was having sex at least five times a week. okay well maybe I'm exxagerating a bit. For the most part it hasn't been that hard for me, but I do notice I get literally attacked by sexual fantasies at odd points in the day, I never know when they are going to spring up, so I have to be on guard to it in fact! For instance earlier today I was on the escalator down to the train and its sort of dark down there at the bottom, and in the shaft, its sort of chrome and dark too, ominous, and theres a man going by on the up escelator, and i catch his glance. now he's an awful looking man, real boring, wearing a baseball cap, not attractive at all and I have this urge to just have sex with him right there on the escalator, hike up my skirt, prop my leg up on the sliding rubber handrail.. I should really channel this energy somewhere, its good energy, it should be useful..
current mood:  horny
current music: Madonna Music
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| Thursday, November 2nd, 2000
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10:56 pm - plastic nite
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how can i feel all missing him when i have just met this guy? he is probably not right for me, what do i have in common with some danish clean-cut guy anyway. i'm so hard i could crush him. well, thats a bit dramatic, but thats me girl! ahhh, i am so bored, or maybe i'm just needing the love injection. i'm watching this documentary about cher, when i was younger i hated cher, absolutely detested her scrawny ass, but now i think she's utterly fabulous! i don't know why really, maybe i respect how she just keeps going, and sort of how she looks otherworldly now. i've been thinking bout what i'll do when i get older, i mean, will i go the plastic fantastic skin route, or will i acquiesce to my creeping ageliness. probably fantastic plastic i think, i'm all about self expression, i might even be likely to get my face augmented so i start to look more like a cat, like that art dealer's wife they called the bride of frankenstien, wildenstien or something, that was weird, but cool though, she really looked like a FELINE. well maybe i'll start with those contacts though, the ones that ozzy osborne or marilyn manson used to make their eyes like cat eyes. me-ow.
i wonder whether that guy rolf liked me for the most part because i was dressed up like a nurse like the whole night we hung out? probably. men are such suckers for images of women in helpful giving poses. frankly tho i could totally care less WHY i just feel like i need something new to happen to me, i don't care what.
current mood:  high
current music: Do You Believe in Life After Love song by Cher
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1:40 pm - feelings
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okay so that wasn't really fair, i was just in shock yesterday. this guy, rolf, is like a really nice guy really smart and like really in touch with his feelings, like before the party we went out to eat at Felix this over-priced dark and uncomfortable restaurant in soho, but that isn't the point, so this businessman with slicked back hair, tacky wide pin-striped suit, just complete obnoxious gangster style starts getting on shasta for smoking, as if it would make a diff with all the pollution already in newyork! so shasta gets upset and he calls her a BITCH, so then rolf, the danish guy, starts yelling at the guy about treating ladies with respect, which would have been totally cheesy, if it had been anyone else saying it, but it wasn't when rolf said it because -- straight up-- he seemed so SINCERE. i sware his voice even got all choked up when he was talking about the problem with society being at core its lack of respect for women. so let me tell U baby, even as an ex-dom, those words coming out of some nice boy's mouth made ME feel all hearts and flowers!
current mood: impressed
current music: depeche mode
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| Wednesday, November 1st, 2000
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1:32 pm - the weirdest guy
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okay so i went to that party and let me tell you shasta's guy friends were weird, not becuz they were foriegn or anything they're both from denmark, i tend to like guys from the nether regions because theyre sort of clean cut, i know thats weird, but i like guys who are different than me, ANYWAY so but their friend is even weirder, this guy whose in town does some internet shit out in copenhagen, is some kind of marketing guy who can't stop talking about how the internet is like some huge brain, and hes like just one neuron-- after he said this stuff i just asked him if he had ever been on any medication before, or had a period of drug use in his youth, whatever, so but that wasn't even the weirdest thing about him. the weirdest thing about him was what he did with his HIPS. * o *
current mood: pleased
current music: annie lennox
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